Is there a point where you just need to move on?

Today is the Suicide Memorial service at the Opera House. I went last year and it was a milestone in my healing journey. Not having been to my husband’s funeral, the ceremony gave me closure. Throwing a flower into the Harbour let me release the hold the pain had on me and let go of the story I kept telling myself.

It is raining today and although they move the service into one of the foyers if it’s wet, I’m not going. Am I letting the community of suicide survivors down by not showing up?

Perhaps. But more and more I feel like I can’t continue to live in the past. My experiences do not define who I am. What I do, don’t do and what has been done to me is only a story. I am more than just a label.

I have experienced many blessings and learned some great lessons from going through this trauma. Those things I will keep with me always. But I’m not celebrating a death, or remembering a soul tormented by demons today, I am giving thanks that I breathe, live and am here in this moment. The same as every day.

Death is our constant companion in life. We lose those we love and eventually die ourselves. It is an ending and a beginning. Death reminds us of the impermanence of everything.

So instead of living in fear or denial I’m going to celebrate life today and every day. I will be grateful for every moment I have and make the most of every minute, hour and day. No longer will I wish away the hours that may be my last, or the last of someone I know. I will squeeze the life out of life.

Tragedy happens to us all — miscarriages, dying children, accidents, heart attacks, abuse, injustice, earthquakes and cruelty — but these things make us thrive rather than merely survive. We awake to what is important in the world, we redirect our energy into things that matter and our hearts break open with more love.

I’ve moved on and it’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, that I’ve shut down or I’m in denial. It’s just that the wound has healed and the scar has faded.

Taking the next step. Letting go. Giving in. Giving up. Moving on.

Loving and living.

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