These photos have nothing to do with this post which is about being free

Duckfish is in Melbourne so instead of being picked up after University I had to get the train home last night. As I stood on the platform waiting it struck me that I was totally free.

For a long time, I wore my life like an ill fitting woollen suit that was all starchy and prickly and bunched up in unflattering places. Uncomfortable, restricting, and irritating. I was doing all the things I thought I should do and from the outside I had what appeared to be a great life.

I had a marriage that I thought was normal (even though in hindsight it was far from normal), a high paying job in the exciting performing arts industry, a lovely house, all the luxuries and toys money could buy and a dedication to calorie counting and training that enabled me to wear a size 8.

I hated my life. It was starchy, prickly and bunched up in all the wrong places.

Now I have none of those things, I am none of those things. I have nothing that I have to do, nowhere I have to be. No one is asking me to do anything that I hate doing. I am free to do and be whatever I want.

So everything that I choose is borne out of love. I love (more than I could possibly explain) my love affair with Duckfish but I am free to leave at any moment. I want to be with him, and don’t have to be. Somehow it makes being together all that more precious and fragile.

I love studying. Reading, writing, researching are all enjoyable because I can stop studying at any time. I’m not getting an undergraduate degree to set me up for a productive working career, I’m getting a post graduate degree in Non-Fiction writing because I love writing and blogging. I always have the choice to drop out without it negatively affecting my future work prospects.

I love our art deco apartment overlooking Lavender Bay, but I am free to leave at any time. I only have a handful of belongings that will fit into the back of a van or in a storage shed. I could move anywhere in the world but I choose to stay here in this beautiful spot.

I love that way that I eat — mostly wheat free unprocessed food. But I don’t have to eat this way. I can eat shitty junk food and weigh 10 kilos more and still be happy. I can eat two Krispy Kreme donuts because I have PMT and not keep eating until I make myself sick. I can order a slice of cake at a coffee shop and not eat it all because it isn’t that nice. I choose to eat nourishing food most of the time because I know I am free to eat in other ways that could be better and could be worse.

Being free doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means embracing your choices because it’s what you want to do, not what you have to do. You don’t need rules, discipline and goals to motivate you, you just need to love what you decide to do.

So I’ve ditched the ill fitting, constrictive clothing, and now I’m wearing yoga pants and a bright coloured sweatshirt. Maybe the weather will turn and I’ll need to wear something different tomorrow, or next week, but whatever happens, I’ll never go back to that uncomfortable life.