How do you know someone else loves you? No really, how do you know? Can you remember a time when felt totally loved? When was the moment that you knew for sure? What did s/he do that convinced you?
I’m guessing that you came up with an answer along the lines of (a) it was the way he/she looked at me (b) it was what s/he said and how s/he said it or (b) it was his/her kiss, touch or some physical contact.
When we are in a relationship there are three things that reinforce to us that someone is deeply in love with us. In NLP, this is called a deep love strategy. If you want to make sure that your partner continues feeling loved and connected with you, you need to find out what their deep love strategy is.
The three strategies are
- visual – taken places, bought things, looked at with that special look
- auditory – special tone of voice or special words
- kinesthetic – touched in a certain way or a certain place
People who need to be taken places, bought things and looked at with that special look in order to know they are totally loved are said to have a visual deep love strategy. They enjoy gifts (flowers, chocolate, perfume, lingerie etc) and being taken to different places on holiday, for a day out, and going out for dinner in a beautiful restaurant. They love it when their partner looks at them that certain way.
Those people who have an auditory deep love strategy are interested in the tone of voice and the special words their partners say to them. Not only do they need to hear ‘I love you’ daily, but they love that tone of voice that makes them weak at the knees. Pet names, in-jokes and private languages make them feel loved and adored.
People who have a kinesthetic deep love strategy are all about touch. It is the contact of skin on skin, holding hands, an arm around them, a hug while they are peeling the potatoes as well as full blown snogging and shagging.
Finding out which one of these strategies applies to your partner is the hard part. If you ask the question, everyone will say that ALL THREE THINGS are important. And they are.
So try it on yourself first. What is your deep love strategy?
If you had to give up one of them, which one would it be. I know it is hard, but you have to let one go [or I'll shoot the kitten]. Eliminate one of the things that you would miss but you could live without if you were forced to and still know that your partner loved you.
For me, if you forced me to lose one of the three, it would be the visual strategy.
Now it gets really tough. No-one voluntarily drops one of the remaining two. So you have to be brutal with yourself. Instead of trying to decide between the two, put them in order of importance.
If you couldn’t hear your partner’s voice for three months (you were deaf or he1 had laryngitis) but he could still touch you, would that be bearable? If you couldn’t feel the touch of your partner for three months (he was working away) but could speak to him on the phone every night, would that be bearable?
Apply this formula to the two strategies you have left (you get the idea right?)
OK … phew … hopefully you never have to make that choice!
So here is how is works in practicality. My deep love strategy is kinesthetic (I bet that comes as no surprise) and Duckfish’s strategy is auditory.
What that means is that to kindle the flame of passion and desire in our relationship, Duckfish has to make sure he touches me lovingly during the day. I thrive on kisses, hugs, and all types of physical contact. If he were to forget, I would feel out of sorts, probably without knowing why. No matter what he said or how many flowers he bought me, I would miss his touch. (And it makes him working away difficult for me).
Duckfish on the other hand thrives when I tell him how much I love him, what an awesome person he is, how handsome he is, and use my most intimate sexy voice. He has probably forgotten that we talked about this and I figured him out so now my secret weapon has been exposed! He survives much better when he is away because we still talk on the phone, but I get in trouble if I sound bored or distracted because he needs to hear the love in my voice.
So try it out with your partner. It won’t be easy to get to the bottom of it but when you do, make sure you fire their strategy every day. Give a gift or a note to the visuals and look deep into their eyes with love. Speak those special words to your auditory partner or touch your kinesthetic at least once a day.
Eliciting your partner’s deep love strategy only takes a few moments every day, and the reward is that they will know without a shadow of a doubt that you love them. If you figure out your own needs, don’t be frightened to ask for them to be met. Tell your partner what you need to feel loved and watch your passion grow and flourish together.
→ So have you figured our what your deep love strategy is? Leave a comment and tell us all which type YOU are – visual, auditory or kinesthetic?
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- I got tired of writing he/she him/her so put in any gender you want ↩
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this katie.
Im a auditory and hubby is a kinesthetic.
Same as me and Duckfish only the other way around
I change by the day.
Kinaesthetic is important, otherwise, we are penfriends. That feeling like you want to hold somebody so close, close enough to be inside them. The electricity in the touch.
I think eye contact is part of the kinaesthetic.
Happy, loving, confident eyes, not sad little puppy dog eyes.
Maybe the eye contact of which you speak is not a physical or sensory experience (which is the area in which these strategies inhabit) but something that connects with your soul/spirit outside of the body?Perhaps there is an ‘x factor’ that isn’t captured by this system at all?
Thanks for this Katie. I (kinesthetic) enjoyed discussing it with my hubby (visual). Cheers, C
Lovely to hear from you Miss Charlotte x
Methinks I’m odd. Ok, I KNOW I am.
I fell in love, deeply in love, with my forever-Love, and bestest-ever friend, online. In a Facebook Chatbox.
There was nothing visual … but the words he was typing, and the pictures I kept stalking.
There was nothing auditory for a few weeks, ’til we finally got to talk on cell phones.
There was nothing kinesthetic, until we met, and touched, later on.
But … I knew then, and I know now … this man is the love of my life.
Now, I happen to adore and crave all three ways of loving (and the many-more)… and I express them as often as possible, and love to receive love in as many ways as possible.
But the love I felt with this man, and he for me, was DEEPer than the senses … it was extra-sensory … it was (and continues to be) vibrational. Spiritual. We know, somehow, that we have always known each other …
I knew how his voice and laugh would sound — hearing it only confirmed it.
I knew his scent, before I smelled him — inhaling his neck only confirmed it.
I knew how he would kiss — doing so only confirmed it.
I know how he would touch me — he touched me like he’d known and loved my body for a lifetime.
It all felt like “coming Home” … yet, we had no awareness of ever having met, in this lifetime.
But we KNEW we loved each other because our souls vibrated with a beyond-uncanny awareness. On the same day, he “heard” within, “she is the reason you are here.” I “heard within, “this is the last man you will ever fall in love with.”
We shared our last first-kiss together … gonna grow old with that man. Gonna die/transition in his arms.
This experience makes me (at least want to) believe in Soul-Twins.
So beautifully said. The article is NLP theory which doesn’t allow much for spirituality so I think your extra-sensory reasoning is totally believable when we add the additional layer (and by no means odd).
Hi KatieP,
Thanks for this article.
I was aware of the fact that my man is kinesthetic, and I’m …. well I haven’t quite figured out which one I am yet, because I do crave all three methods from him. But when we’re apart, which we are fairly often as we don’t live together having been together for ca. 8 months and 30 miles apart (thanks match.com ; )), I do like to re-read some of the heartfelt emails that have gone between us, to reassure myself that he loves me when I’m feeling doubtful, because he doesn’t really like Skype, texting, emailing (I can’t blame him as he’s kinesthetic!)
So I guess my question to you being the kinesthetic type is, what has to happen for you to feel loved when you’re physically apart? Your answer may be different from what he would say, but I’m interested nonetheless.
One thing I like to do, that hopefully appeals a little bit to his k-side, is that I leave romantic post-it notes under his duvet before I leave for a few days, so that when he gets into bed on his own at night, he gets a positive and passionate boost (e.g. “Sweet dreams my warrior! xxxxxx”, or “Good night gorgeous man! What are you grateful for today? xxxxxx”) in my absence.
All the best,
Spirit of Water
What a great question which has made Duckfish and me try and figure out what we do when he’s away.
The first thing is going to sound strange. I love having his T-shirt with me when I go to bed — something he has worn and smells of him. I think smell is very important for a Kinesthetic plus I can physically touch something that reminds me of him.
The second thing is something Duckfish does. He tells me on the phone that he is right here with me and describes touching me, kissing me or cuddling up to me in bed.
So my advice to you would be to spray your perfume on the notes and write about touching him –”I love the way your lips feel on mine …” or something similar.
Good luck with your romance.
Thanks KatieP : )
That was most helpful; I consider myself a very aware person, but this sort of insight is something you can’t beat – must be because I’m visual/auditory that it isn’t so obvious. So smells, and imagination of touch – gotcha! Thanks for your quick reply : )
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