On this day in 1994 I got married. It’s been a tough day.
I’ve cried today more than I have all year. When Duckfish asked me why I couldn’t really answer. Then he provided his take on the situation which was completely accurate.
“You’re sad that you wasted so many years being unhappy. You’re sad that the hopes and dreams you had on your wedding day never came true. You’re sad because of what he did to you when he killed himself.”
We talked about weddings. It is interesting that marriage is a legal contract only in terms of financial responsibility. It’s a business contract not an emotional one. It’s not illegal to break the vows of love, honour and obey (although I never said obey). Those vows are a commitment before God and a promise to each other. One of the reasons I never left my marriage earlier was because I thought I had to keep my promise no matter what. That’s what ‘good’ people did. When you cease to believe in a patriarchal God who only loves you when you are good, and you realise that it is impossible to make a promise that will last “until death us do part” then a wedding loses its significance.
Duckfish and I are never going to get married. I find it unrealistic to imagine that I can make a promise today that will be relevant to the person I might become in seventeen years time.
Instead on this day of remembering weddings, I promise to “love you for as long as I like“.