Why “Not-Dieting” Sucks!

darkness_light

Freedom Sometimes Feels Like Chaos

Today is not a good day. It is my own fault of course ~ I thought I had lost weight so I stood on the scales. Once again my number was way higher than I wanted it to be and it brought all my darkest fears to the surface once again. My mind keeps telling me, “Of course this will never work!”

I feel like the special needs kid in class

I no longer feel like I am part of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t have a gang to hang out with. I feel like I have gone weird and no-one wants to play with me anymore. If I’m not blogging about how much weight I’ve lost or how I’ve fallen head first into a binge then no-one seems to care.

It is so fucking slow

I have been ‘off’ diet for nearly 2 months and I am still figuring things out. I haven’t lost any weight even though my intention is to drop a few kilos. I swing from perfectly happy to confused and bewildered for no apparent reason. I just want to be fixed. I want to easily achieve my naturally slender body and I want it NOW thank you very much.

I miss my old life

When I was a very small child I used to suck my thumb. Once I stopped and I got braces my mouth shape was totally different and my thumb never fit properly again. I can still remember the comforting sensation of sucking my thumb that has now is gone forever. Same thing with my old life. I miss the control, I miss the joy of a low scale number and I miss the pride in winning against all the odds. I know it is only because I forgotten the pain … but my old life was familiar and predicitable and this one isn’t.

I have nowhere else to go

It is clear that dieting will never be a long term solution for managing my weight as I have proven over and over again in the past 5 years, so if listening to my body doesn’t work either, then I’ll have nowhere else to go … except blobsville. I feel like this is my last chance and I’m stuffing it up.

Nothing tastes as good as binge feels

Only those who are dedicated bingers will understand that eating until you feel sick means you get a break from the constant pressure of living. Nothing else gives me that relief from my feelings and gives me some peace. For better or worse, I am no longer capable of bingeing so that coping mechanism is gone.

I’ve gone from expert to idiot

I know nearly everything there is to know about diet and exercise. I can tell you how to carb cycle, how to activate your glutes and how to water load. I know nothing about eating and exercising according to my body’s inner wisdom and I feel stupid. I like knowing stuff and I now I know nothing.

So what should I do?

My ‘awakening’ has been like someone turning on the light so that the darkness has disappeared. But for today, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide in the soft, dark night.

I know that tomorrow will be better and that this is all part of the journey but it is still fucking hard. What will I do? I’ll just keep going because I know in my heart that I’m doing my best. I keep falling down, but I’ll keep on getting up again and again because someday soon, I’m going to get this even if it goddamn kills me!

photo → derricksphoto

About Katie Paul

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing • Join the hottest group on FB → Sassy Ageless Women

0 thoughts on “Why “Not-Dieting” Sucks!

  1. no matter what the struggle, there are times like this for EVERYONE. sometimes they last days, weeks, etc. Keep preaching you beliefs to yourself and eventually you will truly believe them and you won’t even have to remind yourself. You are beautiful, an amazing writer and a sweet person. You DO have everything you need.

  2. I am sure that you will nail this eventually Katie, I think it is a life long learning process and it’s so hard to “unlearn” all of that diet shit! xxx Thanks for always being so honest 🙂

  3. For Fuck Sake – Throw those fuckers in the bin, after you’ve smashed fuck out of them and all 3 of them too. If you never get on again you’ll be just as happy, if not happier, as you have been in the past days. You know that’s more important than a number. Would you like me to remind you of your painful past dieting and binging? Believed me it SUCKED more than this approach ever has.

  4. “I feel like I have gone weird and no-one wants to play with me anymore.”

    No Sweetie, you were weird BEFORE. ;o)

    You’ll be fine….

    xx

  5. Hi Katie,

    yes there are tough days along with the really good ones. After my weigh in on Saturday morning I too had a moment of “oh is that all I lost” and some of my old mentality tried to creep back in. It took a big effort of self praise and some positive affirmations to get me back to the happy place that I’ve gotten used to lately. You can do it too. Tomorrow you may just wake up and the glass will be half full again.

    So on that note, lets go and play 🙂

    XX Magda

  6. Katie, it would be hard sharing what you have shared today, but it makes you human, we all have bad days and you and I both know the scales don’t tell us anything.

    I am feeling really slim at the moment, but hopped on the scales this morning and still haven’t lost anything from my 12 week challenge… I decided to not care and just keep doing what I am doing.

    Here’s a big cyber hug Katie and throw out the scales… I know I sure am tempted!

    1. Thanks Kristy ~ hug received ♥ Funnily enough writing my thoughts in a post gets them out of my head and makes it better. You only have to start worrying when I go quiet!!

      PS: for Rene – Kristy’s only got ONE leg and ONE eye on her alien, so be thankful you’ve got two alien legs, two eyes, wicked hair and an awesome tail Miss! LOL

  7. I think what you are doing on your blog is fantastic (as I’m sure I’ve already stated)!

    What I’ve found is that I do quite good on my journey when I stay away from the scale and as often as possible, even looking in the mirror. It’s not that I’m trying to hide from the facts, I may or may not like what I see in either of them…But without them I’m definitely happier. Looking at the mirror or scale for validation is a crap shoot on any given day for me. It either makes me happy or it makes me doubt myself. I would rather take the doubt out of the equation.

    1. Hi Julie ~ thanks for pointing out the validation part, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I have still been looking for approval from the scales. Must stop that!

  8. Katie-
    I’ve been following your blog since before you changed over to the new format. I just want you to know, you’ve inspired me to stop my (eternal) dieting and try to figure out how to eat like a ‘normal’ healthy human being. I too hope to lose some weight…but I know that right now I just need to figure out how to maintain a weight (even one I’m not completely happy with) and learn to love my body whatever size I am.

  9. Hi Katie!
    Thanks for visiting my blog, it’s ace to hear from someone else who is doing the same thing as me. It can feel like quite a lonely battle – i seem to be surrounded by lots of “normal” eaters! Your blog is great and I love your writing style.
    Jen x

  10. I seen Karla again today who showed me a process guideline and I thought of you and this post immediately (mourning loss of dieting behaviour). You are so close to freedom and your natural weights honey. I know you are and you will but just wanted to say stick with it. xxxxxx

  11. I am so incredibly thankful that you found my blog and left a comment because it allowed me to discover your blog. I love reading everything that you write, and I feel like I am not alone because your experiences are so similar to mine. I especially enjoyed this post because I can relate to so many of the things that you talked about – especially the fact that nothing tastes as good as a binge feels and being able to shut out all your problems and the entire world by diving headfirst into a binge.

    1. Hi Shamrock
      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Please know that you are completely NOT alone. There is a whole community of women discovering that by listening to our inner wisdom we can break out of dieting hell. I know it is not easy to let go of the release that bingeing brings, but the good news is that life becomes much more pleasurable so there is less of a compulsion to shut out the problems with food. Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself and as each day passes, it will get easier and easier … I promise ♥ Good luck with your journey.

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