Dear Lori
Most people would say that they can’t imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. But you are I aren’t most people are we? I can imagine what life is like for you right now because I’ve stood in that abyss.
Every time I read one of your posts, I think about writing a comment, but words coming from a stranger hold little weight right now. But I want to talk to you here because you feel like your husband’s suicide was your fault.
I know how it feels to take all the blame. If I was a better wife, a better person, and if I hadn’t said those things, or said the things I kept inside, my husband wouldn’t have killed himself. I was the closest person to him so it must be my fault.
I made so many mistakes. I shut him out, I closed down, I stopped loving him and I never gave him a chance. I had already decided that I was done, and I wasn’t interested in putting the pieces of our relationship back together.
He was so understanding when I decided to move out — he helped me move and came over to help put my new bed together that he must have known would be where I would sleep with another man.
He tried all that he could to make me love him again. He gave up drinking, he started working out and he lost weight. He bought new clothes and even got a tattoo. But none of it worked. I couldn’t look at him with anything other than disdain.
I kept telling myself and everyone else that I was spiritually enlightened and had learned how to live with a loving open heart. And with him, I was cold, cruel and unforgiving. I told him it was just a temporary separation but I was lying. I knew I was never going back.
And yes, I cheated on him. I kept denying it, even though he continued to ask if I was seeing someone else. I caused him immeasurable pain and I acted like a selfish whore.
But the thing is Lori, this sort of shit happens every day. Each one of us is a flawed imperfect human being, wrapped up in our own story. We hurt ourselves and hurt people along the way. What you and I may or may not have done is what we needed to do to survive this complex confusing journey of life.
But the difference is, normal, healthy humans don’t kill themselves when things get rough. Our humanity always seeks life, hope and the dream that tomorrow will be better. People who kill themselves are sick. They have a mental illness and we are no more responsible for them than we are for those who die of cancer.
My husband lost his battle with depression, and so did yours. Some chemical, some switch, some abnormality in his brain made him see death as the only option. He got sick and he died.
Could I have seen it coming? Could I have got him therapy, support or medication? I honestly don’t know. Would any of that made a difference? It is impossible to tell. Do his family blame me and despise me? Of course they do. Is it my fault that he is dead? No fucking way.
“Why” is the question that will never be answered because I am looking for rational explanations or trying to see his experience through my eyes. In the days and weeks that followed his suicide I could imagine sometimes how it would be easier to die than to endure the relentless anger, pain and sadness his death left behind. But I’m a fighter, I’m a warrior and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dark days end in the same way the happy ones will too. And you know that too.
Sweet Lori, even though it is impossible right now to think ahead by more than a few hours, know that there will come a time when you forget to remember it, and some nights you will close your eyes without that terrible image being what you see behind your eyelids.
There are many, many women who have walked the same path that you are walking now. We are eternally connected to you and to each other. Take comfort in the fact that we have left a well worn trail for you to follow. There’s a map inside your heart. You don’t need to worry about what is right or wrong, good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, just follow the path of your intuition and truth.
I think of you a lot and wish you didn’t have to go through this. It is totally fucked and nothing can change that.
Be brave and courageous Lori, it’s OK. Everything is OK. Just keep feeling and breathing your way.
Love
KatieP