I have slain many dragons, I have let some fall merely fall asleep and others I have made friends with. Today I summoned a dragon I wanted to befriend. Today I faced the scale in the hope that I could deal with the number and use it to help monitor my weight loss progress.
Last Thursday, 2 weeks after my period started (approximate ovulation to avoid pre- and post-period weight swings) I bought some scales and Duckfish weighed me. Not unlike scenes from horrific anorexia documentaries, I stood on them backwards so I couldn’t see what I weighed. The idea was that we would weigh in once a month, and DF would record my progress without revealing the actual number.
Today, I couldn’t resist knowing any longer and DF was away so I found their obvious hiding place (because that’s what sane people do right? get their boyfriend to hide the scales?). The number was … I was going to type bad but it wasn’t at all. It was just a number, a piece of data, and a starting point.
Although knowing my weight didn’t make me jump up and down with glee, it also didn’t utterly destroy me. It just was what it was.
And for me, that makes me feel quite proud. I have come a long way and some of the old wounds have obviously healed. I didn’t feel ugly, a failure or worthless because I’ve gained more than a few kilos, it was just an objective indication of where I am at.
I used some of the NLP techniques of reframing to think of it in a new way.
In what circumstances would this number be positive feedback?
– on my first weight loss journey getting to this point would have meant I had already lost a significant amount of weight.
– I had lost this amount easily before in preparing for a competition so it is well within my capabilities.
– I still feel attractive and sexy at this number so any smaller number will just be icing on the cake.
– even though I’ve had a completely sedentary lifestyle and eaten whatever I’ve wanted for over a year, I haven’t put all the weight back on I originally lost. I no longer have to be frightened that if I take my hands off the controls I will balloon into an obese person overnight.
– I can live with not being a size 8 or a size 10 and still have a joyous wonderful life.
– I no longer desperately NEED to be skinny, I can work towards dropping some kilos as a choice because the alternative (staying like I am) is a viable alternative.
It’s funny (and disturbing) that once upon a time I sobbed uncontrollably because I hit the mid 60’s and thought I was fat. Right now, the mid 60’s seem like almost too lean because of the effort required to stay there so I would be happy to land anywhere along the line between there and here. I guess it all depends on how you look at things.
Hello dragon — funny how you no longer scare me.