Whether you have just started dating someone or have been in a relationship for some time, there are three things you are doing that are destroying your relationship. And the worst part is, these behaviours are so common, you might not even know you’re doing them and the damage they are causing.
1. Competitive Urges
When your date, boyfriend or husband tells you about a recent success, after you have congratulated them, you launch straight into an account of how you have done the same thing so much better.
Has he backpacked through India for a month? You’ve done it for a year.
Has he finished a degree? Well, you’ve got two.
Has he negotiated a business deal? You’ve masterminded three takeovers before breakfast.
Men spend their lives competing with other men to be the biggest, best and most successful. They don’t enjoy competing with you as well. Competition is masculine energy and will eventually erode the foundation of your relationship. Let him have his moment in the sun.
2. Issuing Instructions
When we tell other people what to do and how to behave, we usually have their best interests at heart. We want them to stay safe so they remain in our lives.
If you are always telling your man what to do, where to go, and how to do things, he will quickly interpret this as nagging. He will feel as though you don’t have any confidence in his ability to take care of things. His mother used to tell him what to do, and that is not the position you want to occupy.
Resist the urge to hand out instructions. If he needs help, he will ask. And remember, there is more than one way to skin a cat — that is, he doesn’t have to do things exactly how you would.
3. Ridiculing His “Thing”
No, not that “thing”! The other one.
Most men have something they are the most passionate about — from restoring vintage cars to playing golf. You will know what it is because people will say, “Meet Bill, he’s the _________ guy.” Whatever word goes in the blank is your partner’s “thing”.
You might not have much time for gardening, or surfing, or war games, or tracing your ancestry, but if you make fun of his interest (or worse, ask him to stop), you will quickly drive your relationship onto the rocks.
If you are still in the dating phase and your potential mate has a “thing” you can’t bear, think carefully about your future. Unless you can be respectful of your partner’s passion, your relationship is doomed.
No one enjoys having something they value highly, held up for ridicule — especially by someone who is meant to love them. Don’t turn one of his greatest pleasures into a joke.
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If you pay careful attention to your competitive urges, your tendency to give instructions and your attitude to your partner’s special “thing”, you will be well on the way to keeping your relationship alive and healthy.
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Hi Katie, I’m curious, are these general relationship busters, or just in relation to men? If they behave this way to women will that be a deal breaker as well?
You can probably ask yourself that question. Would you care if your boyfriend was always competitive with you, told you what to do and made fun of your passions? Maybe, maybe not.
I can’t speak on behalf of all women but my guess is these things might be annoying but wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker.
I think if I had known the fact and extent of my ex’s passion, it would have been a dealbreaker from the offset. I just lump it in with all the other bullshit he neglected to tell me.
Yes, sometimes important information is revealed when it’s too late 🙁
Competitiveness has killed many a relationship. It’s only when you’re working as a team that it works out. Great points Katie!
Wow… serious food for thought… thanks Katie!
Good advice that I think works in either direction.
What smart advice! Brenda
Yeah, I think this would definitely be a good thing to remember for most relationships!
My fiancé is a photographer who makes his own frames …I make memory boards and am crafty. He wants to buy me a camera for Christmas and funny thing about this post is I have been thinking not to get the camera. You see I like the sign boards and we can both do it in the garage together without competing in any way. I love this photography and framing work and he is a fabulous teacher.
(Confession I can be competitive sometimes and knowing this about myself I wouldn’t want compete with him even if he may see it differently )
Thanks for the posts you have helped me make a decision I have been struggling with for a few months now.
Hi, Katie,
This information is helpful to us. The most important thing is that ‘TIME’. If we are unable to manage time then it can destroy the relationship.