Right now, I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good friend, and I’m probably not a very good girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t have a capacity to give of myself to other people.
I can’t be the peacemaker, the funny girl, the problem solver, the inspiration, or the one who rolls with the punches. I can’t take into account what you need, and make sure you get it. I can’t remember that you’re particularly sensitive about a particular topic and studiously avoid it.
You might think I’m fine, that I’m always happy and I’m a fully functioning adult. But I’m not. Duckfish is probably the only one who knows that I come “undone” at least once a day. Most of the time it is just a fleeting cloud that passes across the sun, but sometimes it is a full-on black hole that I tumble in to.
I know I am fragile and selfish. I have no capacity to even comprehend what you need from me and I am incapable of giving even if I knew. Things still seem irrelevant and trivial compared to life and death. If you are upset because I forgot to say “thank you” then it’s probably because something else distracted me.
It doesn’t mean that I love you any less. It doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate your support and love. But I am incapable of expressing my true feelings beyond the safety of one single person. I can’t find any words to articulate how I feel so phone calls, blogs and emails are exercises in frustration.
Those of you who have witnessed death right at your doorstep will know that it changes you. Your whole perspective of the world changes. Right now, I can’t be what my mother and my friends want me to be and they are angry at me. But believe me when I say I care for you even more than I did before and I want you to know that I’m doing the best that I can. I’m not being a bitch, I’m not shutting you out, I’m not ungrateful or purposely mean, I’m just holding on with both hands and I don’t have a free hand to give you.
I’m saying I can’t .
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Katie
I have followed your blog for sometime.
I feel your pain, I gave my dad permission to die last year when he was dying from cancer and it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, I have never seen a dead body before and here I was staring at my dad lifeless and it is shit!
I agree people who have never experienced don’t know how tram tic it is for you, and you can’t give anything to anyone else because you are trying to fix yourself.
Hang in there it does get easier. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder because shortly after my dad died, I found my mum who od on medication, by accident, but still, she couldn’t live without my dad. Thankfully, she is ok mow, but it’s been a very big battle to keep her in this world.
I am only 34, and a pretty strong person, but staring at death and someone you love lifeless, will be something that will stay with you forever.
My best advlce would be to seek out a good counsellor. I saw one referred by my doctor fo 6 weeks and then I went back to my kinesologist, I found that works better for me. But don’t keep this stuff to yourself cause it will make you and your life toxic and from what I have read and followed on your blog, you are a wonderful person.
Kind regards
Kylie
I’ve yet to find an ettiquette guide on how to deal with the suicide of your spouse. Handle it your way, Katie, whatever that is. If other people don’t understand, well…. fuck ‘em.
Katie, still love ya blog, and read, hope you dont mind my random comment. WHATEVER YOU FEEL IS OK. Those words where passed onto me after I lost my dad, by a lovely soul who is now a big part of my life. Sometimes people dislike our behaviour, and sometimes we dislike our own behaviour, but its not intential. We are not all ment to understand each other cause we all feel different…… thats why its ok! … whatever you feel.
I agree with all three previous comments. Feel how you feel, focus on yourself. You owe NO apologies. You are amazingly strong. I admire that. Do what you need to do, even if what you need changes from moment to moment. Take care of you, the best that you can.
You shouldn’t have to feel this way about taking some time for yourself, or not being able to be “there” for everyone all the time. Take some much needed time to heal yourself, and not worry about what other people expect of you – be what you need to be yourself.
You’re so giving, that sometimes you need to remember that you get to do some taking along the way as well.
xoxo KatieA
Katie, seven years ago, my third baby girl was still-born. I had two other precious girls and a good, loving husband, and that is what kept me alive. I went on auto-pilot, meaning I did what I had to do to make sure my family ate every day and that the girls were bathed and cuddled and put to bed…and then, when they were all asleep was when I would come unravelled, and eat, and cry myself to sleep. I became a “bitch” in everyone’s opinion, but once you’ve held your little tiny baby’s dead body, you feel that the world owes you and you want to make everyone pay…I’ve become a lot less bitter with time, but I have learnt to put myself a bit higher on my list of priorities. It was my time to grieve, and in whatever way I did it, I got through. One of the oddest comments I heard about those times was when my brother said to a mutual friend “Why is she still so depressed? It’s been three months…!” Go figure, there is a use-by date on Grief and I didn’t know it.
You’ll get there, Katie. Just ride with it and put yourself first.
xoxox
Hey Katie,
I’m kinda agreeing with Kek and I’m sure you’d agree that’s me. You saw how losing mum changed me and that was years ago. It was the whole marriage falling apart thing that took all the energy I had and left me with nothing – not even sure I fully have back who I was but the true friends…..they stick around – they are there somewhere just waiting till you have a free moment – no matter how long that is. the rest…..well kek said it all.
Oh and parents – they’ll always be there – miffed or not – they don’t go anywhere (darn….!!!) lol xxxx