How to Have Your Own Love Story

Sometimes I still feel like pinching myself — this love affair with the Duck Fish Man seems like a dream.

Once I wrote :

There is a chance, still, that I could find that person who simply makes it hard to breathe. The way his energy fills the room, the unspoken kindness in his eyes, and his thought provoking conversation will feel both familiar and frightening. He will kiss with an open heart and let me glimpse the light and darkness of his soul. He will drink in my chaos and my extremes and enjoy the ride. I will blur at the edges and forget where I end and he begins …

and this is the exact description of my Duck Fish Man.

How did I get to this place, I wonder? I was always so closed down and distant with people, preferring independence to connection so how did I change?

I learned to accept myself as a woman. I read books that told me that I am meant to be feminine, emotional, irrational, extreme and honest and those are the very things that make me attractive to men who are the polar opposite of me –solid, focussed, driven and grounded. I decided once and for all that I would say what I felt and not worry about the consequences. I trusted that my raw personality would be the perfect counterpoint for the man of my dreams.

Even now I say things that even I think are irrational, knowing that saying them, feeling them and facing them makes them disappear like snow in the hot sun. Duck Fish Man has taught me that nothing I can say or feel is wrong, and that tears, anger and frustration are not to be hidden from, but called out by name.

I remember apologising for crying because of something that reminded me of my late husband, and my boyfriend told me to just breathe in the pain. I welcomed it into my heart and it just disappeared. These days, I sometimes cry because I want everything and I want it right now (irrational even to me) and he just listens without judgement. When I tell my girlfriends the things I say, they tell me “you can’t say that to a guy — you’ll scare him off”. Well, if he’s that easily scared, then he’s not the man for me.

Duck Fish Man sees my soul. He sees my intention to be loving, caring, inspirational and good. The rest is just temporary weather patterns, that seem as irrelevant to me as they do to him when I wake up next to him the next morning.

I learned how to be myself, even though I didn’t even know who that was. I gave myself permission to be “too much” and discovered that there is no such thing. I gave up trying to fix myself, and embraced everything without labelling it good or bad. I decided that I was worth loving, and even if no-one else fell in love with me, I was pretty awesome all by myself.

And the thing is, from the very first moment I decided to live with an open heart, my life transformed. If people turned away from the “new” me, then I never noticed. All I felt was an amazing connection with friends, colleagues, bus drivers, homeless people and strangers.

I lead with my heart — I imagine light and love bursting through my chest. I make eye contact and smile at everyone who crosses my path. I constantly practice feeling my energy move out into the world and watch as people seem to notice my radiance and light.

It is therefore somewhat inevitable that I would find deep, heartfelt connection with a man who lived a life equally open in love, and transparent in intention. How could the Universe give me anything else?

How do you have your own love story? Be yourself and be love. It’s not that hard — it actually feels like simply relaxing and letting go.
how to have your own love story


Here’s some good shit I wrote while I was figuring this all out …

photo : we♥it.com

About Katie Paul

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing • Join the hottest group on FB → Sassy Ageless Women

0 thoughts on “How to Have Your Own Love Story

  1. Katie – what an honest and beautiful portrayal of your transformation; thank you for sharing it. You have inspired me to realize that it’s never too late once we open ourselves up; thank you! If there is a book title or two you would feel like sharing that helped you in your journey please let me know.

    Wishing you all the best, and thanks again for witnessing to those of us who are still seeking.

    Charmaine

  2. I think when we start to realise who we are…we don’t apolgise anymore. With this boy I met online (previous comment) I jumped almost straight into bed w/ him. Ok I did, but didn’t go all the way. Then I called and said ‘we need to slow it down’. Well, I did the same thing again..and then was like…this doesn’t feel right for me RIGHT now. I would have normally done one of two things 1. had sex w/ him because I felt that i needed to or 2. just stopped calling. But I decided that I needed to honour myself. So I wrote him an honest e-mail and didn’t expect anything from him. However, we ended up talking and he was like ‘you’re an amazing writer and I didn’t know what to write back. I think that we should try to work on this. i respect what you’re saying’. Now Katie, I am SURE (well 68.7% sure that NOTHING will happen..actually make that 96.5%.) However, what I am really proud of myself in saying is that I am WHO I am. I am not hiding behind what I think I should be do…I was honest with where I was. The thing about relationships, which I am learning, is that first comes from the relationship which you have in your own being. Without that, then you attract fucked up people and it’s horrible. I don’t want to attract fucked up people. I want to feel the that when I get into a relationship that it adds to my life and doesn’t suck life out of me. I have spent so much of my life..in fact pretty much all of it..chasing after men who don’t really love me. It’s because I haven’t loved myself in any of those instances.

    So I stand and made a list of how I want to feel, appear, sense in a relationship where i would feel happy. I don’t want to settle..cause baby it aint worth it.

    Thanks for letting me write a novel..it’s what I needed.

    1. Beautifully done Mish.

      I am beginning to think that our expectations are what trips us up. If you like being with someone and feel attracted to them, does it really matter if it lasts for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 years? People come into our lives to show us things about ourselves we can’t see on our own.

      What matters is that we do what we want to do ~ we follow our hearts. We have sex because we really want to or we don’t have sex because it doesn’t feel right. It isn’t inherently good or bad to be intimate with someone, as long as we choose our own path and know why we are on it.

      Taking great care of ourselves is what matters and knowing that we are the expression of divine love whether or not we are loved by others for a short time or a long time.

      Never ever settle, keep holding out for what you want. But know that you are beyond beautiful, adorable and desirable without any man by your side. By being your perfect self you will be the kind of person you could fall in love with, and so you will attract those kinds of people into your life.

      I have a feeling that what you dream of is just around the corner …

      See ~ I wrote a novel too!!

      And if it counts for anything … I love you ♥

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