I want to tell you the whole truth because this is my blog, but honestly, do any of us do that? We keep to ourselves our darkest secrets, the shadows of our personality because we want people to like us, and you never know who might read this shit.
For a start, I don’t use my real name, my husband’s name or where I work on this blog. I don’t want photos of me in a side chest pose in a bikini being seen by people at work who might Google my name when I’ve pissed them off. To all intents and purposes, I lead a double life, compartmentalised between my day to day reality and my virtual world.
Although I write of my real life experiences here in blogworld, it is not the whole truth. It is flavoured with drama, fantasy and a touch of impudence. It provides an outlet to say the things I would probably never say out loud in my real life. I keep hidden the things I don’t want you to know.
So the questions remain — am I having an affair? am I leaving my husband? am I about to do something stupid?
The truthful answer is that I have a huge crush on a man which is a silly teenage romantic fantasy without any substance in reality. This is not the first time. I have snogged Michael Bublé and wanted to run away with him (although he never asked!), I have been in love with one guy for years (and still am) and another one at work I didn’t even mention, I want to do bad bad things with my dentist and every time my spin instructor speaks I get physically turned on (thank god for the bike seat!). I am serially unfaithful in my head. The only difference this time is that it has happened at the same time as I have started to speak of my relationship issues.
The truth is that this is not the first time I’ve been unhappy at home either — just the first time I have mentioned it here. If I was to be honest, I would say I’ve known that all is not well for close to ten years. Now you can see why it has been so difficult to admit this after so long. I have never had the courage to face this before because I was distracting myself with either work or dieting and training.
It all sounds big and important and resembles some over the top soap opera, but it is really just the shit that happens between being born and dying. I am not about to do something enormously stupid, but if I did, I’d own it and work through it.
Worry not for Miss Katie — she has a great big amazing life that she has finally decided to live in a great big way. Hoorah!!
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