I have been boasting of my recovery from binge eating, as I have not indulged in eating to excess for over four months but it struck me today that I am still bingeing.
It may not be food these days, but the emotional roller coaster is exactly the same.
It starts with a craving for something forbidden, dysfunctional, beyond what is considered normal and it is rooted in a history of deciding to restrict the sensual pleasures of life. When willpower falters, opportunity presents itself and rebellion replaces conformity, then a binge follows.
The indulgence feels exciting, pleasurable and intoxicating as a sugar high, but the shame and guilt that follows leaves me shaking with regret.
Why is it that it has to be all or nothing, black or white, good or bad? Why do I continuously choose a life of brutal discipline knowing that it is priming me for out of control anarchy?
It is the swing of the pendulum — to far one way means it will eventually swing too far the other way.
The solution is the same today as it was four months ago with food — don’t live in a world of extreme deprivation.
So this is why I have to re-arrange my world. I have to feed my soul instead of starving it. Sadly though, I suspect that I need to look beyond these four walls to find the nurturing and connection needed to take great care of myself. As painful as it might be, there is a chance that the only way I can find myself is to be alone.
→ photo : kian1
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