Are you okay?
I ask my boyfriend.
He frowns, knowing what the question means.
I’m not going to kill myself, he says.
Are you okay?
Compared to what?
Compared to the perfect wife and mother who has Louboutin shoes in her closet for date night and bakes sugar-free muffins for school lunches.
Are you okay?
It’s been four years, I must have gone through all the stages of grief by now.
Except I’m stuck at anger.
Is that even a phase? I can’t remember.
I’m angry that you did such a stupid fucked-up thing.
That you imagined no one cared, that no one would miss you, that we’d be better off.
That there wouldn’t be a great yawning hole in the world where you’re meant to be.
Are you okay?
You said yes, fine, no problem.
You said you were feeling better than you had in years.
You lied.
Are you okay?
I’m here aren’t I?
I’m taking the bad with the good.
It rains sometimes but eventually the weather breaks.
Are you okay?
512 women in the Suicide Widows Facebook Group light candles for their dead husbands.
Are they okay?
Will they ever be okay?
Are you okay?
Are any of us okay?
Do you hurt? Are you confused? Are you overwhelmed?
Are you anxious, lonely, sad?
Me too.
Me too.
Are you okay?
We’re not okay, but that’s okay.
We’re telling the truth.
And we’re still here.
•••
I’ve lost my sister and mum within 18 mths of each other.. I’m doing okay. . But some days I’m not so great. . I cry I have regret but then I remember I have so much to be thankful for. . Then I realize. .compared to some. . I’m better than ok!!
Dear Rita
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts x
Raising my hand for you.
Thank you ♥
The way you have managed to survive and still help other people the way you do is nothing short of amazing. I’ve witness your strength and compassion and it is an amazing thing Katie. You are definitely a special person. My first introduction to suicide was explaining to my then 16 year old son that his best friend had committed suicide. Why? Because he had been grounded. My next introduction is trying to figure out how one of my best friends a wonderful mother, wife and friend could pick up a gun and shoot herself in front of that son and husband. How? Why? I can’t get past it. The pain and anger I feel and yes guilt. Guilt because I wasn’t there when she so obviously needed me. She was always there for me. Why didn’t I see that she was abusing pain pills, why didn’t see the symptoms. Was I so focused on pulling myself out of the dark hole of depression that I failed to throw a lifeline to her when she needed me the most. As someone who has been on the edge of that cliff and was pulled back to safety by a loved one I feel like why was I saved but not her. Wow! Didn’t mean to go there must be the date it always makes me emotional I guess.
Oh Rena, your story is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it.
It’s so difficult to know how to deal the incomprehensible.
I’m sending you, your family and your friend’s family love and light ♥
That’s beautiful, Katie, and so heartbreaking.
Thank you Kelly x