There is much that has been said about falling in love. It is the stuff of songs, poetry, movies and novels. Yet there is a perception in the modern woman’s world, that wanting another person to share your deepest secrets with is somehow admitting vulnerability or neediness.
I believe that we only grow through our relationships with others. There is only so much work we can do by ourselves, and until we open up in love and trust another human being, there are parts of us that will remain forever locked away. That empty yearning cannot simply be filled by self love, that love has to be given away unconditionally, brutally and honestly before the yearning is quelled.
I am experiencing a faint flickering of soul recognition in a man. I feel compelled without hesitation to carefully defend this tiny flame of love. It is not his love for me that moves me, but my willingness to expose all of my neurosis, baggage, darkness and pain without reserve. And by letting go of the darkness, the unbelievable brightness of my magnificent divine light tumbles out of me without thought or effort. As I give myself away, I see a new and different me reflected in his eyes.
This is not neediness, dependency or looking for completeness ~ this is the mystery of love given without expecting anything in return. This is the Universe gently pushing on the walls of my defences and watching in delight as they crumble before the altar of human intimacy.
This love is not one of “happy ever afters”, this is a love of healing wounds, challenging beliefs and finding creative solutions to impossible obstacles. It is risky and fraught, and yet warm and familiar.
Love walks always with fear. I am afraid of the ending. But all things end, and not wanting an ending signifies that love is present. I will embrace the fear and know that its companion, love, shares the same heartbeat.
There is complexity, intensity and yearning, and still, there is so much hope.
[In simple english — I have a boyfriend — yay!
Hi Boyfriend if you’re reading this!]
NEWS: I am restoring all of the deleted posts in Jan/Feb over the next couple of days [on the original days they were posted to preserve chronology]. Apologies to those who subscribe or use Google Reader because they will turn up looking like new posts. I want to have a complete record of my journey and honour my values of truth and authenticity. Sadly the comments have gone forever 🙁