My commitment to blog a gratitude post every day in May has slipped away over the last couple of days. The reason is because I have been having a crisis of faith.
When I started saying Thank You every day for something in my life, I began to wonder who I was saying Thank You to. Were the good things in my life a result of a blessing from some benevolent divine being, or were they just good luck? If my good fortunate was because of my hard work, was I saying Thank You to myself?
It seems easier to apportion the bad things to something — the chaos of the Universe rather than, say, the work of the Devil, or punishment for my sin. But the good things – where do they come from? Who is this person, or thing, or force, or energy field that blesses me?
I’m sorry, but I don’t have the answers. All I know is that I don’t believe in a judgemental God who keeps track on my good and bad deeds in some giant spreadsheet. I also don’t believe in the Law of Attraction – bad things happen to good people far too often for that philosophy to be true.
Maybe I believe in angels, not actual physical (or spiritual) beings perhaps, but that there are universal forces who keep my heart from being too battered. But when I think about the things I’ve had to endure, I’m no longer sure about that either.
And if there is someone or something handing out gifts, what have I done to deserve them? Does that mean if I fail to measure up, the gifts will be taken away?
My solution to this complicated problem is to step around it.
From now on I will celebrate the positive things in my life and I will recognise and name what love looks like in action. I will stand in awe of the brilliant, exciting, beautiful, inexplicable, glorious things in my life.
But I won’t give thanks, not until I can figure out who exactly I’m talking to.
Who do you thank for your good fortune? Does it make any difference if I’m thanking the wrong person?